Month: March 2015

 By Jeff Dwarshuis LMSW ACSW

The direct discipline approach with kids doesn’t always work. Parents can however use UNUSUAL yet effective communication techniques to get increased control of their kids (AND ADULTS!).

AMPLIFYING A DEVIATION

Children do not always change quickly. Instead of getting naturally frustrated you can watch for small changes in your child and build on them. People tend to behave in patterned ways and if a child is showing tendencies towards positive change the parent can take advantage of this patterned behavioral change and build on it.

For example – If you notice that your child is doing a better job listening and cooperating with you than he or she is in the classroom you might say “You are doing such a great job listening to me and cooperating with my needs…how could you do this with your teacher?” or “I am so happy about how you are being a leader with your friends. What is that about?” Then have him/her think about how he/she can apply this growth to the next tasks…like getting along with teachers. Another example…”I have noticed how you have made such mature decisions about managing your money and I am really curious to know how you are going to apply this maturity to dealing with finding a job.” 

All ideas are taken from Jay Haley’s book – “Uncommon Therapy: The Psychiatric Techniques of Milton H. Erickson”.

 

 

By Jeff Dwarshuis LMSW ACSW

The direct discipline approach with kids doesn’t always work. Parents can however use UNUSUAL yet effective communication techniques to get increased control of their kids (AND ADULTS!).

THE USE OF SPACE AND PLACE

People associate events, self, others, thoughts, feelings and situations with specific physical locations. You as a parent can use this idea to encourage your child to continue in a positive direction, think more creatively and/or be more empathic.

For example – If you notice that your child is beginning to listen and share better with you – then the next time you discuss a related topic – talk in the same place. However, naturally and without explanation, take the child’s past sitting position and have him/her sit where you were. Listen to your child about what is happening with him/her and work in questions to make sure he/she understands how you felt about the topic the last time you talked…i.e. “Do you remember how that made me feel when we discussed this last time?” This change in the child’s sitting position will encourage him/her to use more levels of thinking to be empathic…especially with the parent.

Another example – Naturally and without explanation, change the sitting positions at a time the family is all together…perhaps when eating. As everyone is settled and going about their business, begin to talk about positive changes of one or all of the kids. Talk about the old and then the new and have the children (if possible) discuss the joys of positive change. Through an associated shift in location you will be teaching their unconscious thinking that the old is very old and the new is here, now, different and solid. 

All ideas are taken from Jay Haley’s book – “Uncommon Therapy: The Psychiatric Techniques of Milton H. Erickson”.

 

 

 

by Jeff Dwarshuis LMSW ACSW

The direct discipline approach with kids doesn’t always work. Parents can however use UNUSUAL yet effective communication techniques to get increased control of their kids (AND ADULTS!).

MOTIVATING THROUGH METAPHORS

One of the best times to give a suggestion to someone is after you tell them a story. Applying this idea to parenting can be very helpful in facilitating change. Follow these steps – First, think of a behavior in one of your children that you want changed ( I want Joe to go to school) Second, think about what personal characteristic the child needs to improve to make this happen (ambition). Third, think of a time (story) in the past when he was ambitious and fearless. Forth, come up with a similar but unrelated story to use as your introduction that highlights or supports your main point. This first story will cause the listener to think more deeply and make connections. For example –
“Joe, I remember a time when your cousin was so interested in pleasing his boss. He wanted to do well at his job and get a promotion. He got to work early every day and even though he was new at the job he learned all he could until he felt comfortable. I remember when you did that when you learned to swim. You were scared but you got ready on time. I brought you there and you jumped right in to the pool.”
Stories as such are meant to make people think and come up with their own answers. If you simply tell someone what to do it can be resisted and easily forgotten.
Make sure to not explain yourself. If the child asks “Why are you telling me this?” just change the subject. Explaining it would be simplifying what is going on in the child’s thinking.
The best time to tell the story is close to the time when the parent and child were talking about the problem…going to school. Allow enough time to make it appear like a different topic but close enough that the child can make the association…perhaps 10-20 seconds.

All ideas are taken from Jay Haley’s book – “Uncommon Therapy: The Psychiatric Techniques of Milton H. Erickson”.

 

 

 

by Jeff Dwarshuis LMSW ACSW

The direct discipline approach with kids doesn’t always work. Parents can however use UNUSUAL yet effective communication techniques to get increased control of their kids (AND ADULTS!).

PROVIDING A WORSE ALTERNATIVE

Children and young people will often oppose a parent’s suggestion to follow through on requested tasks and it can be difficult to motivate kids through direct requests. Also, parents generally want for their kids to learn how to make their own decisions while still being under the direction of a parent. Both of these things can be done at the same time if the parent provides for the child a set of alternatives. By doing this, the parent is allowing for choice and opposition is taken out of the equation since the parent is creating the options. Motivation can be created in the child by suggesting something that they will oppose yet providing a more pleasant option. Follow this process – think of what you want the child to do then give a suggestion of something that is worse. After this return to the statement of what you want for them to do and say it. For example –
“Do you want to go to clean the shower now or in 15 minutes?”
After they make their decision you can continue to use this method to suggest more of your desired behaviors.
“When you clean the shower would you rather wash the shower curtain or clean the drain?”
This method follows the basic understanding that people are motivated to do things when they feel empowered by choice.

 All ideas are taken from Jay Haley’s book – “Uncommon Therapy: The Psychiatric Techniques of Milton H. Erickson”.

 

 

 

 

Jeff Dwarshuis LMSW ACSW

The direct discipline approach with kids doesn’t always work. Parents can however use UNUSUAL yet effective communication techniques to get increased control of their kids (AND ADULTS!).

ENCOURAGING RESISTANCE

 – If one of your children challenges your direction then accept their behavior if you can. Take interest in their reasons to oppose you and treat their decision to do something else as a need. Your acceptance and interest will turn their opposition into cooperation. Since you have then repositioned the relationship as more cooperative it puts you as the parent in a better position to make suggestions and to be heard. Here is an example –
‘Mom – I am going out tonight …I don’t care what you say”
“I understand that you are going out tonight and that it is important to you. Thank you for telling me. Before you leave please finish the yard and be home by…”
You can also use this method to “encourage” negative behavior that is already being done. For example –
“I see that you need to spend a lot of time with your friends saying out late. While you are out please help me by picking up some groceries and talk to me about other things I need done when you get home.”
This idea follows the basic understanding that people do not like being told what to do.

All ideas are taken from Jay Haley’s book – “Uncommon Therapy: The Psychiatric Techniques of Milton H. Erickson”.