Month: August 2014

Talking and Listening: How “In Depth Communication” can Strengthen your Personal and Family Life.

By Jeff Dwarshuis LMSW ACSW 

I.  Active Listening – Listening is not a passive behavior but an active process that involves choices for how to respond to the speaker. Active Listening has four main parts. They are paraphrasing, clarifying, giving feedback and listening with your body.

          A. Paraphrasing – After hearing what the speaker initially says, the listener provides a mirroring statement letting the speaker know they were heard. A good paraphrase can be developed by beginning with one of the following phrases:

                       So you are saying…In other words…If I understand you correctly…What I hearing you saying is that…Let me get this straight…

                     After paraphrasing is complete the speaker should have the sense that they were heard and are understood. The listener, however, does not have to agree with what was said.

          B. Clarifying – After giving feedback, the listener should clarify. This is done by gently asking questions about the presented topic and making sure there are no misunderstandings. Clarifying should make the speaker feel important and that their concerns have value. The listener also should be sure to have a goal of understanding and not interrogating.

                       Ask the “who, what, when, where” questions to make sure the speaker is understood.

         C. Feedback – After paraphrasing and clarifying give feedback. Feedback is a supportive yet honest expression of one’s opinion regarding the topic. Feedback should be given at the same time as the discussion because the speaker is then more likely to listen. Feedback gives the speaker an understanding of the impact of their language and it can provides a fresh point of view. 

                        Feedback should be honest but supportive. For example to say “I think you may have made a mistake” rather than “You blew it!”  

          D. Listening With Your Body – Listening with your body is an unspoken gesture that makes it easier for the speaker to talk. This can be done in many ways. For example,

                      Maintain eye contact, move closer or lean forward, nod as positive reinforcement, smile or frown in sympathy, keep posture open, remove distraction and remove objects between self and presenter.                                                                                                    

II. The Use of Self to Increase Communication – The quality of communication can be increased by paying attention to how one’s self is being used. The use of one’s self is the alteration of things in the relational context that already exist but may be unclear, normalized, taken for granted or ignored.

  1. A.    The Art of Being Quiet – Both listeners and presenters maintain an unspoken time limit on the accepted length of silence. Altering the length of silence before responding to a presenter can have a positive impact. Consider following these suggestions.

                      Wait longer before responding to create an atmosphere of calm and listening.

                      Wait longer before responding to allow the speaker to look internally and reflect.

           B. Boundaries – Boundaries are the spoken and unspoken rules, roles and limitations relevant to the relationship and context. Boundaries involve issues of time, authority, submission, involvement, distance and resources. Communication is greatly increased when boundaries are clear and verbalized. Boundaries are determined usually by the person in authority. When boundaries are clear, it allows for safety, freedom and self development. Here are examples of clear boundaries.

                         Job descriptions and work roles are clearly understood and well managed.

                      When a listener is clear and consistent regarding how long he or she can listen, what topics can be heard and how much he or she one is willing to do.

                    When someone is willing to say “no” to tasks that are too big, inappropriate or out of line with expectations.

                   When a manager listens to an employee or colleague in the same location each time they talk.

          C. Self Disclosure – Self disclosure is sharing information about oneself that is somewhat personal. When a listener self discloses he or she is giving an unspoken suggestion that the speaker self disclose as well. Consider using these ideas:

                       Think about what you would like for the speaker to say that would move the discussion in a direction you would like. Based on this topic, pick something from your life that is personal and share it. The speaker will hear this and most likely respond with a personal example on the same topic. (If you want someone to talk about their mother than start by talking about your own mother.)

                         Self disclosure allows the listener to control the discussion by setting the parameters of what is acceptable. In other words, the level and detail of personal disclosure is determined by the listener.

                        The listener should be sure to only share as much as he or she can manage emotionally.                                                                                            

III. Responding To Criticism – Responding to criticism has to do with one’s reactions to negative words about one’s self or behavior. How we respond  to criticism determines if the communication will be productive or nonproductive.

        A. Acknowledging – Acknowledging is saying one agrees with the criticism but not necessarily agreeing with how it is said. Acknowledging criticism allows one to decrease the amount of defense in the relationship and productively discuss change.

           “You are late again.”

                          …”You are right. I was late.”

          B. Clouding – Clouding is helpful for responding to manipulative putdowns of which you disagree. Do this by agreeing with part of what is said while holding your position. It decreases a defensive atmosphere and communicates a willingness to change while holding one’s ground.

                         ‘You work too much. You think the world will fall apart if you take a day off.”

                          …”You are right. I work too much.” 

          C. Probing – Asking questions following criticism to understand if it is constructive or manipulative. Listen to the main concern then restate it in a question.

                        ‘You do a poor job and you are not pulling your weight anymore”

                         …”What is it about my work that bothers you?” 

IV. Imago Communication – Imago Communication is a technique developed for marital therapy with the primary goal of developing relational intimacy. Proper Imago Communication will allow for the speaker to begin relating current conflicts to childhood experiences and emotions.

  1. A.    Mirroring – Mirroring is simply a repeat of what was heard by the speaker.

         So you are saying…Is there more…let me make sure I have it all…

  1. B.      Validation –Validation is a statement that the speaker’s perspective is reasonable. Validation is not necessarily agreeing with the speaker, however.

        That makes sense because…Can you help me understand?

  1. C.    Empathy – Empathy is the act of putting oneself in the position of the speaker and imaging how it would feel to experience their position.

       I can imagine you feel…           

Effective Communication and Problem Solving in The Workplace

By Jeff Dwarshuis LMSW, ACSW 

Communication problems in the workplace are the result of employee stress reactions leading to role confusion and challenges to leadership. The resulting communication patterns can be corrected by the use of strategic problem solving. 

Triangulation and the Development of Problems in Groups

Triangles are a symbolic representation of a group of three people. In the areas of Family Therapy and Systems Theory the three person unit is seen as the basis for understanding group behavior, social change, anxiety management and dysfunction. The impacts of triangulation are universal and inescapable for all people. How people manage the pressures of triangulation is an indication of their ability to maintain health and optimal social behavior.

Triangles are in constant motion in all organizations and institutions. It is nearly impossible for two people to exist without involving a third person either through personal contact or discussion. This is especially true as anxiety increases during the interaction of the two people. As the third person is introduced through discussion or contact a relational triangle is created. Additionally, it is nearly impossible for three people to remain in equal relational balance without creating exclusiveness between two of them and then ostracizing the third. Generally this shift is seen as normal expected behavior. However, when members of the triangle become stressed two of the people may take on the unhealthy behaviors of excessive closeness, exaggerated distance, or over/under helping.

Psychotherapy and Family Therapy have a long term understanding that most all problems related to behavior, mental health and emotional development are caused by some form of inappropriate triangulation leading to a challenge of hierarchy and the improper placement of responsibility onto those unable to manage it. This is particularly well understood in families and there is a growing understanding of its role in organizations. For example, in the workplace, triangles may occur if two leaders grow distant under stress and over involve an employee. Also, triangulation may occur if two leaders become stressed and relationally distant and the need for assistance leads to the inappropriate involvement of an employee unable to properly handle decisions at the leadership level. Optimal organizational performance comes when leaders align and anyone involved in the triangle maintains their expected role.

The Five Stages of Problem Solving

A. The Initial Stage – After a leader recognizes a triangle he should arrange a meeting. Triangles involving the most senior members should be addressed first.

B. The Problem Stage – Each person states what they see as being the problem.  Leaders should view the problem as systemic, keep from giving advice, interpreting behavior or asking how one feels about the problem.

C. The Interaction Stage – Members bring evidence of the problem such as loss of sales or increased sick days. Leaders should openly discuss the relational shift and unhealthy triangulation.

D. The Change Stage – Each member says what change they would like to see related to the stated problem. The changes should be stated in terms that are measurable, solvable and realistic. If they are stated in this way it can be recognized in the future as solved or unchanged. As all members participate in the suggested change, they are agreeing with and encouraging this healthy change.

 E. The Completion Stage – The leaders should make sure everyone understands the expected change in behavior and provide a picture of how that would appear. The leaders should decide if there is a need to set a follow up meeting to evaluate change and facilitate accountability.

The Results of Change

Successful problem solving brings to the group a sense of relief, insight and increased productivity. Additionally, more inappropriate triangles may be recognized and there may also be a ripple effect of change in the organization.

  

Decreasing Workplace Anxiety through Leadership Development

By Jeff Dwarshuis LMSW ACSW 

The workplace is a social system and like any group it is susceptible to changes in the social climate. For example, the workplace can be impacted by the economy, traumatic national news stories and loss issues of employees. Generally this will show itself through decreased performance, more sick days, anger and making decisions based upon feelings instead of facts. Leaders and employees can change this process by recognizing the differences between acute and chronic anxiety and recognizing how their own emotional issues and past relational patterns impact their workplace communication and behavior.

Acute and Chronic Stress

There are two types of stress that impact any social system. First, Acute Anxiety is from typical stress producing events such as being understaffed, having broken equipment or experiencing workplace accidents. Chronic Anxiety however, is a long term anxiety that is caused by past organizational events and employee reactions. It is usually hidden, very difficult to detect and contagious. Chronic Anxiety has many forms. For example, it may be initiated by a traumatic event in an organization and unknowingly spread through people and across time. Examples might be an employee death, chronic illness, the loss of a CEO, and mergers. Due to anniversaries, constant reminders, communication, perceived threats and unspoken reactions, Chronic Anxiety will spread from one generation to the next. A new employee may feel anxiety on their first day of work due to an event that occurred a decade before. Chronic Anxiety may be experienced to a higher degree if the employee’s past consists of several common themes or conflicts to the traumatic past event of the organization.

Employee reactions to Chronic Anxiety

Chronic Anxiety will grow when leaders and employees begin to react to the stressful situations at work by unconsciously repeating patterns of their own youth and family. Generally these reactions fall into one of four behaviors

   A. Closeness – As an employee grows anxious he may respond with getting too close to fellow employees, managers or customers. This may be shown by private complaining, secrecy, hidden agendas and inappropriate decision making.

   B. Distance – Anxiety may cause an employee to become distant from everyone else. This may be shown by a decrease in communication with colleagues, hiding behind closed doors, leaving work early and a non-participatory attitude. The extreme form of distance is a complete cutoff.

   C. Over and Under Functioning – As an employee feels stressed he may bond unconsciously with another worker in a pattern of over/under functioning. This is shown by an uneven sharing of a workload. One becomes lazy while the other picks up the pieces. 

  D. Projection – As an employee becomes stressed he may revert to a personal defense of projection. Projection is shown by an irrational behavior shown to one person when it is actually meant for another person. It has the quality of being unfair and unreasonable. 

Change workplace anxiety through a personal action Plan

The effects of Chronic Anxiety can be reversed if leaders and employees begin to evaluate self behavior and communication. This is especially important with leaders since they have a more significant impact on the organization as a whole. Follow the suggestions below.

  1. Observe behaviors when you become stressed at work and ask yourself if these are the same behaviors done at home in adult relationships and/or when experiencing anxiety as a child.
  2. Observe your role in emotional patterns at work. Do you over or under work or become clingy or distant? Do you involve others in your conflict or feel ostracized by others who do. Identify relationships you want to change, resolve conflicts and be sure leadership is not undermined.
  3. Identify the hot button issues that increase anxiety among coworkers. Determine if the problem is within the reach of the organization for possible change. If so, decease anxiety by establishing a position based on facts instead of feelings and use appropriate forums for communicating these issues.

Cognitive Therapy for Performance and Mood

By Jeff Dwarshuis LMSW ACSW 

Much of what a person feels is caused by what is said to themselves. Day after day, people at home and the workplace experience many situations and their perception and related self talk about these situations greatly influence outlook, mood and even health. Unfortunately, much of this self talk can be negative, irrational and incorrect. Negative self talk is automatic and starts in patterns developed during youth. As an adult, this negative talk leads to worry, perfectionism, low self esteem and panic. Socially or in the workplace it creates low mood and anger. Negative and irrational thoughts are called “distortions” and the way to end this irrational process is through what Cognitive Psychologists call – Thought Stopping, Substitution and Reframing.

Thought Stopping

Thought Stopping is the processes of recognizing, interrupting and ending a negative thought. Read the examples below to help identify any thought distortions you may have.

1. “I fell behind on the company expectation. I am such a loser.”

2. “I should have done a better presentation. I will never make it to management.”

3. “This equipment doesn’t work well. It is going to be an awful week.”

4. “Although my department has been successful, it doesn’t matter. We will always be behind.”

5. “My team hates me. Every time I do something wrong they give me the evil eye and wish I would quit.”

Keep in mind that thought distortions are not behaviors but are thoughts. Some people have a great deal of distorted thinking while others have little. In any case, they are automatic by nature and consistent across time. When recognizing a negative thought, write it down and then watch for patterns. People tend to think in patterns. Then, each time you catch yourself, either sit in silence not letting it happen or create a negative association like slapping a rubber band on your wrist. 

Substitution

After recognizing and stopping the negative thought, create a replacement. This is called substitution. Replace the negative thought with a more realistic and positive description of the situation. This is also called “the rebuttal”. Substitution statements may sound like this –

  1. “I fell behind on the company expectation but I have learned a great deal and did better then last month.”
  2. “My presentation was acceptable. I got my point across and many people are better because of it.”
  3. “The equipment does not work well. This is a perfect opportunity to talk to the salesman and negotiate some changes.”
  4. “My department is successful and will continue to grow and be the best.”
  5. “My team likes me most of the time. This is a good fit.”

Reframing

Thought stopping and substitution can change how we think, feel and respond. Reframing is an exercise in changing how you think and what you do related to a situational interpretation. It is an active process in considering the positive. Reframing is used well with the automatic thoughts that begin with the words “always” and “never”

These are three steps in Reframing and changing the interpretation of events.

1. Identify several situations that typically produce uncomfortable or distressing feelings.

2. List your automatic thoughts and feelings in each situation.

3. List a more useful way to perceive each situation which offers choices and potential for growth.

Thought Stopping, Substitution and Reframing is a process. Begin by creating a plan. Use a notebook to list negative thoughts, substitutions and reframes. Set aside specific times to address these. After a good beginning effort of 3-6 weeks, the process will become more automatic.

  

Adjustment Disorders and Symptoms

By Jeff Dwarshuis LMSW ACSW 

Adjustment Disorders are a common problem caused by experiencing a larger than usual life stressor. Examples of these stressors are relational breakups, a move to another city, job loss, divorce or extended family conflict.  Everyone is subject to the possibility of an Adjustment Disorder; however the disorder is more likely if the change is unexpected. Also, individuals may not make the connection between the adjustment issue and the experienced symptoms it creates. Often times being able to make the connection is a cause for relief. 

Types of Adjustment Disorders

The diagnosis of a specific Adjustment Disorder (AD) depends on the types of symptoms the individual presents following the stressor. The possible symptoms fall into the three broad categories of mood, anxiety and behavior. An Adjustment Disorder is given one of the specific diagnoses listed below.

AD with depressed mood: Symptoms are that of a minor depression.

AD with anxious mood: Symptoms of anxiety dominate the clinical picture.

AD with mixed anxiety and depressed mood: Symptoms are a combination of depression and anxiety.

AD with disturbance of conduct: Symptoms are demonstrated in behaviors that break societal norms or violate the rights of others.

AD with mixed disturbance of emotions and conduct: Symptoms include combined mood, anxiety and behavior symptoms.

AD NOS: This residual diagnosis is used when a maladaptive reaction that is not classified under other ADs occurs in response to stress. 

Emotional Symptoms of Adjustment Disorders

The signs and symptoms of an Adjustment Disorder may affect how you feel and think about yourself or life. The list below represents symptoms of depression and anxiety. These are important signs to watch for in yourself, family or coworkers.

Depression – Sadness, hopelessness, lack of enjoyment, crying spells, thoughts of suicide, trouble sleeping or difficulty concentrating.

Anxiety – Excessive worry, feeling on edge, headaches, tightness in the chest, stomach pain, dizziness, nausea, flashes or chills, pacing or irritation. 

Behavioral Symptoms of Adjustment Disorders
Signs and symptoms of an Adjustment Disorder may affect actions or behavior. Again, these are the things to watch for in others.

Fighting, reckless driving, ignoring bills, avoiding family or friends, poor school or work performance, skipping school or vandalism. 

Treating Adjustment Disorders

Adjustment Disorders are generally easy to recognize in a clinical setting because the symptoms begin with a specific event. Adjustment Disorders are usually treated with a combination of medication, problem solving and behavioral empowerment strategies. Also, Adjustment Disorders may diminish alone with time. Psychotherapy is suggested however because the Adjustment Disorder may last longer than six months and if it does the diagnosis changes to a more severe mood or anxiety disorder.

 

Techniques to Increase Quality Communication

By Jeff Dwarshuis LMSW  ACSW                                                                                                     

The Use of Self to Increase Communication

The quality of communication within a relationship can be increased by the listener’s behavior. Generally this involves the alteration of things in the relational context that already exist but may be unclear, normalized, taken for granted or ignored. The three listening techniques for increasing quality communication are – The Art of Being Quiet, Boundaries and Self Disclosure.

A. The Art of Being Quiet – Both listeners and presenters maintain an unspoken time limit on the accepted length of silence between the exchange of language between each person. Altering the length of silence when responding to a presenter will increase the level of the listener’s attention to what is being said. The alteration of silence is taken from the discipline of Ericksonian Hypnotherapy. It is based on the recognition that communication is rhythmic and altering the timing sequence disrupts the unconscious timing pattern. Disrupting unconscious patterns creates an internal crisis and leaves the conscious mind working to make sense of the change. The result is a heightened level of attention to what is happening. Consider following these suggestions.

                      Wait longer before responding to a speaker. This causes the speaker to turn inward and have a heightened recognition of their thoughts and feelings.

                     Respond more quickly than expected after hearing a speaker. This creates a state of listener confusion which initiates an internal crisis response and a heightened attention state. This response causes an increase in attention to what is being said to them.        

B. Boundaries – Boundaries are the spoken and unspoken rules, roles and limitations relevant to a relationship and its context. Boundaries involve issues of time, authority, submission, involvement, distance and resources. Boundary management is a universal human challenge which was shaped by instinctual responses to the joys and disappointments of childhood attachment.  The quality of communication is greatly increased when boundaries are clear and verbalized. Boundaries are determined usually by the person in authority. When boundaries are clear, it allows for safety, freedom and self development. Here are examples of clear boundaries.

                         Job descriptions and work roles are clearly understood and well managed.

                      When a listener is clear and consistent regarding how long he or she can listen, what topics can be heard and how much he or she is willing to do.

                    When someone is willing to say “no” to tasks that are too big, inappropriate or out of line with expectations or personal decisions.

                   When a manager listens to an employee or colleague in the same location each time they talk.

 

C. Self Disclosure – Self disclosure is sharing information about one’s self that is personal. When a listener self discloses he or she is giving an unspoken suggestion that the speaker self disclose as well. Consider using these ideas:

                       Think about what you would like for the speaker to say that would move the discussion in a direction you would like. Based on this topic, pick something from your life that is personal and share it. The speaker will hear this and most likely respond with a personal example on the same topic. (If you want someone to talk about their mother than start by talking about your own mother.)

                         Self disclosure allows the listener to control the discussion by setting the parameters of what is acceptable. In other words, the level and detail of personal disclosure is determined by the listener.

                        The listener should be sure to only share as much as he or she can manage emotionally.                                                                                                 

Keep Valued Employees through Performance Enhancement Counseling

By Jeff Dwarshuis LMSW, ACSW 

All people have difficult times and employees at all levels of leadership will carry stress to the workplace. The result can be a less than optimal performance. Employees can be stressed by financial hardship, marital discord, parenting or past issues of divorce, family loss, bereavement or child abuse. All can dramatically impact an employee’s work performance.

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a treatment that can quickly and effectively assist with workplace stress. EMDR has its beginnings as a treatment for Posttraumatic Stress Disorder and has been very effective with performance, depression and anxiety as well. Created by psychologist Francine Shapiro PhD, EMDR uses a blend of cognitive, emotive and client centered therapies in combination with neurobiological interventions. Since its beginning in 1995, EMDR has dramatically changed the lives of thousands of people.

EMDR, REM and Memory Reprocessing 

To understand EMDR it is helpful to first know about the impact of Rapid Eye Movement (REM). After 30-60 minutes of sleep an individual begins REM sleep. During REM, one involuntarily moves their eyes back and forth. The eye movements cause a neurobiological reaction which stimulates a reprocessing of the day’s memories and makes recent memories into old memories. If someone has a negative memory in their day, the REM process facilities making this recent bad memory no longer bothersome.

REM and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder

Traumatic memories occur when one is overwhelmed by either witnessing or enduring something that is horrific beyond the typical human experience. This might include combat, child abuse, domestic violence, personal assault, traffic accidents or traumatic medical procedures. Because of the severity of these memories, the REM mechanism described does not work. In these cases, the individual remains aware of the memory and continues to experience its negative impacts. The memory is not reprocessed and the individual could go on for decades terrorized by their own memory. This is called Posttraumatic Stress Disorder.

Negative Memories and the “Three Point Power Supply”

All negative memories create three things which exist interdependently and make a memory seem unpleasant. These three things are a negative emotion, an unpleasant body sensation and a negative self belief. Say for example someone went to a social gathering and said something foolish in front of a group of people. When thinking about this memory, the person would experience embarrassment, flushing and a self belief of “I am so stupid!” During REM, eye movements create an even stimulation of the right and left hemispheres of the brain and cause a tremendous and fixated calm in the body. Since the body is so relaxed, it does not react during the subconscious reprocessing of daily negative memories. The body reaction is separated from the two other interdependent “power supplies’ and the negative impacts of the memory fade. The individual can recall the event but no longer experiences embarrassment, flushing or a negative self belief.

EMDR Procedure as REM Simulation

EMDR is a simulation of REM used in a therapeutic setting and applied to a traumatic memory. During an EMDR session, a client visualizes a trauma while recognizing the negative emotion, body sensation and self belief. The therapist measures the negative response levels and leads the client through sets of eye movements by use of a light bar or “eye scan”. After 45-60 minutes, the negative impacts of the trauma are gone…permanently.

EMDR, Performance Enhancement and the Workplace

All individuals are functioning below their potential because of a history of mistakes, criticisms, self questioning or relational abuse. A therapist can uncover these performance interferences by asking someone a detailed list of questions to help the person visualize an ideal state. The ideal state may have to do with performance in school, the performing arts, sports, relationships or in the workplace. The therapist asks what memories or experiences get in the way of the individual being able to live up to their ideal. Those memories are then treated as EMDR memory targets, the EMDR procedure is done in the office and the client is free to return to their goals without the interference of negative memories.

For example, imagine an employee who is highly skilled and committed and his boss wants to promote him to a manager position. The employee, however, has a number of problems relating to employees including having a temper and not listening. The CEO very much wants to promote him but without the necessary relational skills, the CEO would have to hire from outside the company.

Using the EMDR performance protocol, that potential manager would be asked a series of questions to assist him in seeing his ideal work state. For example…”In the ideal state what are you doing that you are not doing now?” “What personal characteristics or qualities are improved?” “What are you feeling in the ideal picture?” “What do you believe about yourself?” After the potential manager sees this ideal picture of himself interacting with his employees he then is asked to identify a memory that interferes with his being able to live the ideal picture. Most of the time the employee will describe negative memories related to their relationship with their parents. This may be in the form of criticism, neglect or abuse. Most all stated and volunteered answers regarding interfering memories are from childhood. Then the employee would be asked to visualize the bothersome memory and do the set up for the EMDR procedure. The person follows the EMDR procedure described above, eliminates the negativity of the old memory and visualizes himself in the ideal state. Simply doing this one procedure, the employee returns to work that day and begins to improve and act differently.

The employee may have a series of memories that interfere with the ideal performance picture and each memory is reprocessed using the EMDR procedure. Each one hour session will cover 1-2 memories. The treatment processes is brief and intense lasting 8-12 sessions. Unlike traditional therapy that requires time between sessions, EMDR can be completed as quickly as one would like.

What are some typical work performance problems addressed by EMDR?

1. Public speaking

2. Managing difficult people

3. Increased effectiveness in sales

4. Increased believably in short and long-term success goals

5. Increased ability to communicate with potential business partners

6. Increased success in working on a team

7. Increased ability to manage time

8. Increased ability to manage workplace crisis

9. Increased ability to manage job stress

10. Increased physical health due to fewer symptoms of stress

 

The EMDR performance enhancement procedure has allowed employees to get past personal issues, better use their skills and knowledge and be promoted. Also, employers have been able to retain valued employees who otherwise would have been terminated because of ongoing behavioral and emotional problems carried to the workplace.